Business Relationship With Ex Spouse

I think that one of the most difficult things for a couple to do after they have divorced is figure out how they are going to co-parent their children. Often times the fights, resentment and misunderstandings that happen post divorce are a result of a couple's failure to communicate differently after a divorce. Learning how to be in a business relationship with your ex spouse can be difficult and sometimes, down right impossible if you and your ex spouse are not on the same page. However, learning to effectively co-parent is essential if you have any hope of raising happy, healthy, well adjusted children. Here are some tips that may help you along that path.

1. LOVE YOUR CHILDREN MORE THAN YOU HATE YOUR EX SPOUSE- No matter how much you dislike your ex spouse for what they did to you during your marriage, and your divorce, its important to always put your children first. Although it might feel good to agree with someone when they bash your ex, or you really need to know why your ex is now driving a brand new Lexus when they claimed they couldn't afford those basketball lessons for your son, always think about your children before you speak, act or fail to act. Loving your children more than you dislike your ex spouse will always be the right decision.

2. TAKE AN IN PERSON PARENTING CLASS RATHER THAN ONLINE CLASS- While it is surely easier, confidential and convenient to take your parenting class online, I'm a firm believer that you will get more out of the class if you actually go to an in person class. You are more likely to pay attention, listen to what you are being told and figure out what you have to learn about parenting after a divorce if you take the time to go in person. You will be happy that you did and most Judges will appreciate the extra effort.

3. NEVER PUT YOUR CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE- No matter what the situation, never ask your children to relay anything to your ex spouse, never ask them to deliver funds to the other parent and never interrogate them about what goes on in the other parent's house. Your children should be as free from conflict as humanly possible and should never be the one to deliver information. If you are going to be late, owe the other parent money, wondering about a party you heard happened at their house, pick up the phone and communicate about the issue yourself.

4. TRY TO SAY SOMETHING POSITIVE ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT IN PRESENCE OF CHILDREN- This is easier said than done. After a divorce, negative thoughts, feelings and statements seem to flow much easier than the positive. If you consciously make the decision to say something positive about your ex, it will help you, especially when the negative tends to come to the lips more readily.

5. GIVE YOUR EX THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT- After divorce, its easy to immediately jump to the negative when there is a conflict, communication issue or problem. A lot of times there are two loving parents who just communicate, parent, listen and comprehend information differently. Not automatically jumping to the negative will help you get the benefit of the doubt yourself in the future when you need it. You will hear a lot of things from your children about what goes on in the other house, and you can assume that only about 1/2 of what you here is 100% accurate. Change the subject when things are offered up by your child, and if there is something that you are concerned about, don't take your kid's word for it, call the other parent and start with "I take this with a grain of salt because Joey offered it up, but Joey said you spanked him really hard the other day and sent him to bed without dinner. I'm just wondering what the real story is." Delivery is 1/2 the battle when you are trying to communicate with an ex after divorce. Accusing first gets you no where and not going to be met with any type of openness. I'm always amazed when I am sitting in a mediation, court hearing or settlement conference and listening to two (2) people tell the same story and have entirely different versions of what "really" happened.

6. DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF- After a divorce, you really need to pick your battles with your ex so when there is a major issue that comes up in the future, you will be taken seriously. There will be plenty of little things that happen along the way in a post-divorce parent relationship and letting go of things that are minor annoyances, rather than big issues will help you be taken more seriously when a major issue arises. Think about the little boy calling wolf and really ask yourself "is this such a big deal"? While its easy to be taken advantage of if you always let the little stuff go, know when you should just let it go.

7. LIMIT COMMUNICATION WITH YOU EX- Many people are co-dependent on their ex and divorce does not make that relationship any less co-dependent. Limit communication, especially in the early years, for those things that actually need a response or to forward information that only you would have. Too much communication can cause drama, unnecessary conflict and misunderstandings. While its okay to be friendly, try to remember boundaries and keeping things simple.

8. IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY, DO IT IN PERSON NOT EMAIL- I'm astounded by what people put in emails and am constantly telling my clients that things "get lost in email translation". When your ex reads an email, they are going to interpret that email in the manner that they believe it is being delivered. Often times, that is the basis for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Many people have forgotten that a simple telephone call is the best way to accomplish the delivery of information.

9. CONSULT WITH THE OTHER PARENT BEFORE MAKING ANY MAJOR PARENTING DECISIONS AND TRY TO AVOID MAKING MAJOR DECISIONS OVER THE OTHER PARENT'S OBJECTION- You would never want to be the last to know when your child gets a tattoo, drops out of school, gets a cell phone, gets a car, or gets a job. Therefore, even if you know that the other parent is going to have a differing opinion on a certain subject, consulting the other parent is the right thing to do and what is required of you in the shared parenting statute. Most major decisions should not be made unless both parties are in agreement with that decision. Remember that kids only have to look to you for 18 years as to what they can and cannot do, after that, they are on their own. When a kids wants something, they are always going to ask the parent who is more likely to say yes. Don't say yes or no to something major unless the other parent is on board. While there are exceptions to this golden rule, in my mind, they are few and far between.

10. NEVER ALLOW YOUR CHILDREN TO USE YOU AGAINST YOUR EX SPOUSE TO GET WHAT THEY WANT- Kids are smart and often times will figure out how to play their parents in order to get what they want. If your daughter wants to go to mom's house on your day, and you are okay with it, communicate with your ex first before you say yes, just to make sure she isn't really planning on being at her boyfriend's house when his parents are away. If your kids know that you and your ex do not communicate well, they will use that fact to their advantage to get what they want. Don't let them!

Advice for Unwed Fathers

I recently heard a statistic that stated that more than 40% of children today are born to couples who are not married. While this percentage is lower if you are over 30 when you have your children or have a college degree, there is still a vast majority of people who are choosing to have their children before they get married or decide not to get married at all. This sometimes creates unforeseen issues and problems for unwed fathers if the relationship does not work out in the manner that they had hoped. First and foremost, signing a birth certificate does not automatically give you any rights. Fl. Stat. Sec. 742.031(2) has been interpreted to mean that unless a father is adjudicated the father and specifically provided parental rights, the mother is deemed to have sole parental responsibility and all the time-sharing of the child. This means that if the mother and the father of a child choose to part ways romantically, the mother would not be legally in the wrong for denying contact or making unilateral decisions regarding the welfare of a child, including potentially moving from the jurisdiction of the Courts here in Florida. Most men should be scared of this fact and should actively insure that their right to be a father is protected. While it is true that most Judges do not like when a woman denies a father contact just because "she can" and either provide make-up time or some other reprimand, if your baby's mother moves from the State of Florida the damage is done. So, here are some tips to help insure that your rights are protected and to provide you an easier path if you are forced to move forward with a court proceeding in order to set forth a time-sharing schedule: 1. Always, always, always sign the Birth Certificate and obtain a copy of the birth certificate for your files. 2. Make sure that you and the mother sign an Affidavit and Acknowledge of Paternity acknowledging that you are the father of the child. 3. Sign and file with the Putative Father Registry. The link to obtain the necessary forms to file are as follows: http://www.doh.state.fl.us/planning_eval/vital_statistics/putative.htm 4. If you have health insurance through your employer, place your child under your policy. 5. Prior to the child's mother and you parting ways as a couple, insist that you both agree to a parenting plan and time-sharing schedule. This should be filed with the Court with a properly filed Petition to Establish Paternity. This is the only way to insure that your rights are protected and that you have a way to enforce the schedule that you both have agreed to. 6. Make sure that your name appears on all emergency contact records and with your child's pediatrician. 7. Most importantly, be as involved as possible and work with the Mother remembering that you both are in the business of raising your child and the best chance that your child has of becoming a well-adjusted adult is if you two co-parent him/her with the least amount of animosity towards one another.

High Conflict Divorce and the Toxic Ex Spouse

There are some people who end up in court and litigation with there ex spouse for the length of time that their children are minors. Usually this involves both people arguing over everything. In some cases there is one person who wishes for peace, and the other parent who thrives on conflict. These high conflict people fight you over haircuts, pick up times, extracurricular activities, holidays, exchange of uniforms, discipline measures, school photos, and every other day to day activity that is involved with being a parent. It seems as if there are some people that will stop at nothing to make your life stressful and unbearable. There is an old adage for family lawyers that states that in divorce its important to love your kids more than you hate your ex spouse. The people that are able to do that have no problem acquiescing on certain issues and sitting with their ex in a parent/teacher meeting. The other folks end up with adult children who choose not to invite either parent to their Thanksgiving tables because its not worth the hassle of choosing between the two parents or the risk of a fight if they invite both. I recently came across an article that addresses what you should and shouldn't do when you have a friend in this situation. I think that it offers some good advice and insight especially as it relates to the lasting impact that relationships like these have on divorced children. I don't have any advice for those folks who are dealing with this situation, what I have advice for are those folks about to get married or deciding to have children. If someone is controlling, confrontational or difficult to communicate with, that person will be 10 times worse if you were to get a divorce. Take that into consideration before you get married and have children. I often hear that "this is not the person that I married". That's because when we get married we are blinded by love. When we get married, its about romance, flowers and poetry and we often don't think about those things that have the biggest impact on the success of a marriage. (i.e., common interests, similar life goals, ability to hash out conflict without hurt feelings, similar morals and values, etc.) The article can be found at the following link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pauline-gaines/5-things-never-to-say-to-_b_1653823.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Caim%7Cdl28%7Csec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D180665

A Bird In Hand.....Getting Alimony Upfront

We are in an era here as family law practitioners where a good portion of our practice consists of the modification of existing child support and alimony awards. People are losing jobs, losing homes, taking pay cuts, losing bonuses and other compensation that was previously used to determine a child support or alimony obligation. This is a big problem in cases where someone has received an alimony award and relies on those monthly payments to meet their basic living expenses. Regardless of whether or not an alimony award is non-modifiable, if the person responsible for making alimony payments loses a job and doesn't have any assets, your chances of being able to hold someone in contempt for non-payment of alimony is difficult. Furthermore, if someone retires, gets injured, loses their job or is otherwise unable to make alimony payments, if your alimony is not designated as "non-modifiable" you may very well receive a discounted alimony payment on an ongoing basis or it may be eliminated all together. With that being said, I feel that in the economy that we are currently stuck with, most people who are entitled to any form of alimony really need to consider the idea of "lump sum" upfront payments so that they can avoid the issue of an alimony award being terminated or reduced in the future based upon some unfortunate circumstance. If there are assets, especially cash assets, available during the initial divorce proceeding you should see how much of those assets can have distributed to you in a settlement in exchange for a reduced alimony payment. You never know what the future holds and if there is any way to "get your money up front" you should do it even if that means lowering your monthly alimony payments. If you are savvy with your lump sum payments and meet with a financial planner in order to manage your money properly, it may be a better deal for you in the long run. This is especially true if your husband/wife is in poor health, close to retirement or has a history of jumping from job to job. The old adage, "a bird in hand is worth two in the bush" is without question true when it comes to divorce settlements.

Alimony Reform?

Happy New Year! With the new year comes the annual discussion of whether or not there is a need to reform our Florida alimony laws. There is legislation currently pending that is trying to radically reform our current alimony laws. A link to the pending legislation can be found by clicking on the "Alimony Reform?" title above.

All of us in the family law community have been discussing whether or not this particular bill has a chance of being passed and the general consensus is that it doesn't. These are the major points that are contained in the bill that would have the greatest effect on our current alimony laws:

1. Limitations on Awards of Attorneys' Fees- May not exceed the greater of $7,000.00 or the reasonable value of the representation of the party paying the fee.

2. Termination of Permanent Alimony and Creation of Long Term Alimony- This would be for marriages lasting more than 20 years in most cases and an obligor reaching the normal age of retirement is considered a substantial and permanent change of circumstances. There would be a rebuttal presumption that alimony terminates upon retirement of the obligor.

3. Requirement to Look at the Earning Capacity of Obligee Spouse- This would require an obligee to maximize their earning capacity and allows the court to impute all income to the obligee that could be reasonably earned after achieving maximum rehabilitation.

4. Supportive Relationship- This would require a refund of alimony paid and an award of costs and fees if the recipient of alimony denies the existence of a supportive relationship that is later found to be true and would prohibit the Court from reserving jurisdiction to reinstate alimony if the supportive relationship terminates.

5. Determination of Income- This would state that that the income and assets of the obligor's spouse or person with whom the obligor resides may not be considered in modification of alimony. Additionally, in initial proceedings, when determining the financial resources of each party, it would only include the marital assets and liabilities distributed to each.

6. Standard of Living of Parties- There would be a rebuttal presumption that both parties will necessarily have a lower standard of living after the dissolution of marriage than the standard of living they enjoyed during the marriage. Additionally, an award of alimony may not leave the payor with less net income or with a lower standard of living than the recipient.

7. Life Insurance- If the court awards life insurance, the cost of the life insurance or a bond would be deducted from an alimony award.

8. Long Term Marriage- Would be defined as a marriage lasting 20 or more years.

While many of the things that are stated above, I do believe the Judges take into consideration when determining an award of alimony, if this legislation were to pass, the courts would be REQUIRED to follow these rules. Its already quite difficult for someone to receive a permanent alimony award, and its even more difficult to obtain awards of lengthy alimony if the recipient spouse is educated and capable of being self-supporting. It will be interesting to see whether this legislation passes. Please let me know your opinion on this issue by posting your comments here.

Is Collaborative Divorce Right For You?

Recently, I have had a lot of people come into my office to discuss whether or not a collaborative divorce is right for them. Most people do not even understand what collaborative divorce is, and before you can decide that it's right for you, you have to understand what it is.

Defining it in its simplest terms, Collaborative divorce is a process driven by the parties that provides them with a dispute resolution alternative that allows them to put aside their own agendas and work for the collective whole of the family. All parties sign a participation agreement and in the event the collaborative process fails, the parties are required to discharge their respective attorneys' as well as the mental health and financial experts that they have engaged as part of their team. The reason that this type of divorce works is because of the commitment that both the Husband and the Wife make to one another that they are not going to go to court. This is not for everyone and its important to do all of your research regarding the collaborative process before you commit. However, here are five (5) key questions to ask yourself that should determine whether or not collaborative divorce is right for you.

1. COST- Do you currently have $25,000.00 to $50,000.00 that you are willing to pay up front for your divorce? Collaborative divorce requires the employment of two (2) attorneys, and usually a mental health and financial expert as part of the "team". While this may seem extraordinary, the average divorce can cost well over $50,000.00 if litigation is required. While it is hard for most people to shell out this amount of money up front, generally speaking, a collaborative divorce ends up saving you money in the long run.

2. EMOTION- Are you able to set aside your emotions in order to make logical informed decisions that require you to forget about the fact that you are hurt by your spouse? Emotions run high in any divorce, but in the collaborative process, you are required to sit across the table from your spouse and make decisions. If your hurt and anger will not allow you to make decisions, the collaborative divorce would be very difficult.

3. PROCESS- Are you able to look at the means rather than the ends? If you already have an exact idea on what you are looking to get out of your divorce in terms of property distribution, alimony and child issues, again a collaborative divorce would be difficult. Collaborative divorces are process driven, meaning that its not about where you would end up in court. Its about whether getting to a point where the outcome is equally palatable for both you, your spouse and your children.

4. GOALS- Do you and your spouse have common goals? In order for a collaborative divorce to work, you and your spouse not only have to have the common major goals, the sub goals need to be similar if not the same. Without common goals, collaborative divorce cannot work.

5. COLLECTIVE WHOLE- Are you concerned about your spouse and how the divorce will affect them? If you want your spouse to be okay after the divorce and for you to have a good working relationship with them, really the only way to achieve that goal is by putting the needs of your spouse at the same level you put your own. The normal divorce process encourages lobbying for position and thinking about your best possible outcome. This is the most difficult part about the collaborative divorce process because it requires you to put your spouse's needs not necessarily before your own, but on the same level.

If you answered yes to all of the questions above, then ask your attorney about collaborative divorce. If you answered yes to a few, but not all the questions, you should research this a bit more to determine whether its the right thing for you.

Divorce, Depression and Suicide

In my efforts to find a topic to blog about today, at least three stories popped up when I searched Google regarding divorce related to suicides and murders. There is a saying in the family law community that family lawyers get to see good people at their worst and criminal attorneys get to see bad people at their best. I see people in all states, from irrationally angry to severely depressed. When going through a divorce or family legal crisis, it is imperative that you lean upon close friends/family and seek professional help if the stress of the situation is too much for you to bear. Get into a support group, stay away from drugs and alcohol and make sure not to act on emotion. Remember that things do get better and be proactive about finding realistic solutions to problems instead of burying them or trying to ignore them. There is no question that divorce is stressful and that after divorce your life will not look the same. Embrace the change in a positive way and try to fix only those things that you have the power to fix. If you have a controlling ex-spouse, know that this will not change and find new ways to deal with them. If you have a tremendous amount of debt, know that this won't change without a plan. If you and your spouse have tremendous difficulty communicating about your children, know that this won't change without you giving in now and then on what you want, and even then, it might not change. If you are going through a divorce and are finding your situation to be hopeless, please call a friend, contact a therapist or a crisis center so that you can avoid any unnecessary tradegies.