Wednesday, July 18, 2012

High Conflict Divorce and the Toxic Ex Spouse

There are some people who end up in court and litigation with there ex spouse for the length of time that their children are minors. Usually this involves both people arguing over everything. In some cases there is one person who wishes for peace, and the other parent who thrives on conflict. These high conflict people fight you over haircuts, pick up times, extracurricular activities, holidays, exchange of uniforms, discipline measures, school photos, and every other day to day activity that is involved with being a parent. It seems as if there are some people that will stop at nothing to make your life stressful and unbearable. There is an old adage for family lawyers that states that in divorce its important to love your kids more than you hate your ex spouse. The people that are able to do that have no problem acquiescing on certain issues and sitting with their ex in a parent/teacher meeting. The other folks end up with adult children who choose not to invite either parent to their Thanksgiving tables because its not worth the hassle of choosing between the two parents or the risk of a fight if they invite both. I recently came across an article that addresses what you should and shouldn't do when you have a friend in this situation. I think that it offers some good advice and insight especially as it relates to the lasting impact that relationships like these have on divorced children. I don't have any advice for those folks who are dealing with this situation, what I have advice for are those folks about to get married or deciding to have children. If someone is controlling, confrontational or difficult to communicate with, that person will be 10 times worse if you were to get a divorce. Take that into consideration before you get married and have children. I often hear that "this is not the person that I married". That's because when we get married we are blinded by love. When we get married, its about romance, flowers and poetry and we often don't think about those things that have the biggest impact on the success of a marriage. (i.e., common interests, similar life goals, ability to hash out conflict without hurt feelings, similar morals and values, etc.) The article can be found at the following link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pauline-gaines/5-things-never-to-say-to-_b_1653823.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Caim%7Cdl28%7Csec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D180665

5 comments:

Pauline Gaines said...

Thanks for mentioning my article, Christine! And you're right -- someone who's controlling before and during the marriage will be exponentially worse during and after divorce.

Rosen Mooralian said...

Wow...!!! great article, I really appreciate your thought. Yes in divorce process children suffered most. So I usually guide people to think twice before taking divorce. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. edivorceintexas.com gives brief information about the divorce.

Rose Morin said...

This is a really sad condition for the parent who wants peace and lead a happy married life. A high conflicting situation arises when one of the partners starts making a mountain out of a molehill. Issues which have been highlighted in the post such as haircut etc. are limited to the individual. In such a case the parents can opt for a parenting class instead of going for separation. This is helpful from the point of view of your children as well.

Lydelle Jackson said...

Very informative read. I'm thinking about going into law and so I have a lot to learn. My neighbor is a successful Tampa DUI attorney and though it's not his specilization he's sort of touched on this subject with me the other day. Thanks a bunch for the read.

Anonymous said...

In a case where infidelity was the cause of the divorce
& the children form their own opinion & lose respect for the parent that engaged in the affair & on’t want to spend time with that parent, how is the other parent to mitigate that problem for the child? How about when kids are in preteen years? Do you withhold the reasons for the divorce to protect them from knowing the facts that could possibly cause them to not want a relationship with the other parent? Could the withheld information & allowing them to keep a “false” image of the parent later cause more damage in the child? Assuming the reasons will eventually be known?