Importance of Having a Divorce Plan

One of the biggest mistakes you can make when you are going through a divorce is not having a clear idea of what you are looking for and what goals you are trying to accomplish. If you know what you want to get out of the divorce, you will feel less lost and confused. If you know where you are going and have a plan for getting there, you will be able to assess your progress and make adjustments in your plan if necessary. Without a plan, you will be doing nothing more than paying attorney bills and wondering how long the whole thing can continue. You need an action plan to insure that your divorce lawyer can properly represent you. Try to separate your emotions from the legal so that you can clearly think about what is realistic with respect to your kids, property and assets. Negative emotions are the reality of divorce, so its important to realize from the beginning that you are going to have to deal these emotions. Using the divorce process as a way to punish or harass your soon to be ex-spouse does nothing but prolong the process and cause additional hurt feelings. If you don't allow your emotions to dictate your actions in a divorce, you are more likely to get a quick amicable resolution to all of your marital issues. Work with your lawyer to prioritize your goals and stay focused on what you are trying to accomplish, and that is to get through your divorce in the least amount of pain.

If you would like to read more on this subject, see: http://www.divorcesource.com/info/lawyer/lunclear.shtml

Fighting Over Man's Best Friend

There was a fluff piece on The Today Show concerning people, their pets and divorce. Even Matt Lauer admitted that he and an ex had divided custody of their shared pet. Americans treated their pets as members of the family and not as possessions, so when couples split, custody battles ensue over who should get the family pet. In most jurisdictions, pets are seen as property, and often times a judge will not make decisions about custody. However, more and more people are interested in getting legislation passed that would set forth the issue of who gets the pet as a custody issue, much like child custody issues. What's next pet support? While I'm sympathetic to the pet lover's plight, I feel creating legislation that treats pets as anything other than property could get us going down a slippery slope. In most instances when I have clients who are dealing with pet custody issues, I tell them to work it out, because I don't necessarily want to bring the issue before a busy judge who may have little patience to decide on such an issue.

If you would like to view The Today Show segment about Fighting of Fido, see: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/19803536/

The 3-Year Itch

New research has discovered that couples may become disillusioned about their marriages after only three years. It used to be the 7-year itch, which was made famous by the play and corresponding movie with the same title, made men wander off into new relationships. New research shows that couples are happier within the first three years of marriage, than they are after that. There are evolving rules of marriage, which have shown a change in the expectations of the typical wife and husband, however, these evolutions don't necessarily correspond with happier marriages. In fact, this new research shows that greater expectations may cause greater disappointments which inevitably leads to divorce and break-up. Despite this new research, we still know that half of the marriages which end in divorce do so prior to their seven year anniversary, and half end after their seven year anniversary. Just another interesting divorce statistic.

If you would like to read the story about the 3-Year Itch, visit: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2007/07/08/MNG9CQR0H71.DTL

Ban On Gay Marriage

Florida, like many other states, may be considering a Constitutional amendment that would ban any type of legal unions for gay couples. While the initiative is still in its infancy, and the Petition will need many more signatures before it will get on a public ballot, the fact that there are so many people contributing money to raise awareness of such an initiative shows how people are committed to banning gay marriage. Florida is a state that leans conservative, but still has its share of people who are liberal and would vote to make sure that such an amendment never made it onto Florida's Constitution. While getting this initiative on the ballot is one step, there is still a major issue of actually getting the initiative to pass. Nevertheless, there are people very committed to making sure that marriage continues to be defined as a union between a man and woman. Whether their money, their voice and their initiative make it to election day is another story.

If you would like to read about the initiative, view: http://www.bpnews.net/BPnews.asp?ID=26071

Love Not A Reason To Marry

Often times a couple's lack of love for one another is not the reason that they are seeking a divorce. A lot of times its because the couple is incapable of working together with the nuts and bolts of married life, like splitting of household chores, communication, division of household expenses, etc. Sustaining a long and happy marriage appears to be less and less about loving one another, and more upon the ability to work with your spouse towards a common goal. Obviously love is essential too, but often times loving someone is not enough to sustain a marriage. The following article explores this phenomenon and takes a unique look at love and marriage.

Marriage, divorce and romance
Mike Hendricks
Saturday, July 7, 2007
www.mccookgazette.com

Many cultures don't use romantic love as a reason for marriage; they opt for more practical considerations like dowries, economics, professions and occupations. But in America, for the most part, we don't do that. We base our entire future on feelings that cannot be measured or quantified. We get married because we've fallen in love.

We don't know how we fall in love or why we fall in love but we know that we do because our lives, our feelings, our emotions, and how we see and live in the world change immediately. We are overwhelmed by the most exciting, thrilling emotion in the world and we expect it to last forever.

Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't but most of us are prepared to risk everything hoping that it will. The question is what do we do when it doesn't? Some people stay in marriages even though the love is gone or worse, was never there to begin with, because of children, economics, family, reputation, status, religious beliefs or, far too often, a simple inability to make changes in their lives. It's amazing how many simply get stuck in the mundane and the routine. They would rather continue in a loveless relationship that's predictable than to challenge the unknown in search of that consuming passion and emotion of romantic love because it is sometimes unpredictable.

And even though divorce has lost almost all of the negative stigma that was attached to it 50 years ago, many people are still so concerned about what others might think or say that they put on a front to the rest of the world while dying just a little every day because they are denying themselves the true life force of being human; loving and being loved.

I don't know what would have happened to my marriage had I not moved to McCook or if my wife and family had moved to McCook with me.
We had been married for 22 years when I accepted a faculty position at the college and Linda stayed behind in Arkansas with our children because she didn't want them to have to change schools when they were in high school.
She and I had been best friends up until then; loyal and true to each other, and choosing to spend time with each other rather than with others. Our lives had literally revolved around each other. Then overnight, I was here and she was there and even though we ran up enormous telephone bills over the next five years and I put tens of thousand of miles on my Celica driving back and forth between Nebraska and Arkansas, it just wasn't the same.
We slowly and inexorably drifted apart emotionally until there was literally nothing left. Whose fault that was is really inconsequential; we both blame each other but it's not the blame that's important.
The end result is that we no longer had the emotions to hold us together through the rough times like we once did and, without those emotions, it's a hopeless cause. So we got a divorce.

Many people who know us are amazed that we remain good friends but those people simply don't understand the dynamics of the friendship we forged from the very beginning of our relationship.
I just spent a week in Arkansas with her and my two boys and we had a wonderful time with each other; reliving our past experiences, going places together, eating out every day, etc.
We know the romantic love we once had for each other is gone and is very unlikely to be rekindled but everything else we had and shared for a quarter century is still there and those are the things we concentrated on and talked about. We spent days talking about the experiences we had had as a family but not even a second talking about love and romance; other than the fact that neither of us currently have it in our lives, at least in terms of a person willing to reciprocate that love.

Are we better off without each other? Should we have stayed married? I suppose the answers to those questions will depend greatly on ones' personal perspective but for us the answer is crystal clear.
We shouldn't have stayed married because that intimate love connection we had for so long was no longer there and without it, there was no hope and no reason. Some people stay married because of fear of the unknown when, if they were truly honest with themselves, the fear of the known (a loveless, lifeless marriage) should be far more daunting, intimidating and just plain scary.

I was channel surfing the other day when I came across a new reality show that has to do with, of all things, why Scott Baio is 45 years old and still unmarried.
Because I teach love and relationships at the college, I had to watch at least part of it and the answer seemed to be he was afraid of commitment. His case is really not exceptional because the world is full of people like that, both male and female.
They like to have their little flings and add some excitement to their lives but when it comes down to actually committing and investing in a relationship, they simply can't do it. In fact, the very thought scares them to death.
So they stay in a situation where they don't have to commit or invest anything and convince themselves that's the best thing for them when, in fact, it's the worst.

Baio said his biggest fear was dying alone. But what many people in marriages and relationships don't fully realize or recognize is that they are also alone if there is no love, intimacy, or passion in their marriage.
So they may not die alone, but they most certainly will die lonely because they have no one to share their lives with at the very deepest level of love and commitment.

Being in love is the life-force that makes everything else bearable.

Workaholics Actually Good For Marriage

I'm always flabbergasted by the amount of statistics and surveys there are out there regarding marriage and divorce. I read about a study in Australia that argues that men who work a lot have less of a chance of getting divorced than men who don't work full time. The theory is that lack of work, means lack of sufficient income, which causes greater stress on a marriage. I'm not sure that this theory holds water here in America, the land of the workaholics. Many marriages fall apart because of the fact that a couple does not spend enough time together, or one person is constantly working and puts his/her family second. Although, I understand the stress that lack of sufficient funds to pay household bills can have on a marriage. Its interesting to read about the different reasons for divorce in other countries, especially for those with lower divorce rates than America.

Child-Center Divorce Month

Children are often the biggest casualties in divorce. Parents who fight over child custody, visitation, child support and other child related divorce matters sometimes lose sight of how devastating a divorce can be on a child, even under the most amicable circumstances. In July America is recognizing the first National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, initiated this designation as a time for professionals who counsel divorcing parents to stress the importance of putting their children's physical, emotional and spiritual needs first when making crucial life-altering decisions affecting their entire family. July is being recognized as the first National Child-Centered Divorce Month throughout the United States. This is a time for parents, therapists, attorneys, educators, clergy and other professionals to remind parents about the importance of putting their children's needs first and foremost when a divorce or separation is pending.

To read more about child-centered divorce, See: http://pr-gb.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2586&Itemid=9