Divorce, Holidays and the Kids

The holiday season is upon us and many people are beginning the fight regarding who gets the kids, for how long and when. In Florida, if you have a court ordered holiday schedule, the holiday schedule will trump your regular schedule. Additionally, "holiday" contact is usually defined as the day the children are released from school until the day they return to school at the conclusion of the break from school. If you don't have an agreement at this time, here are some tips to help you through the holiday season with as little stress and fighting as possible:

1. Be Willing to Compromise. Its rare that you will get both Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you want Thanksgiving this year, understand that you are probably going to have to give up Christmas Day this year.
2. Make Plans for Yourself. If you don't have Thanksgiving this year, you will have it next year. That's the way that it works and is what is fair to the other parent. There is no time like the present to figure out what you are going to do on the holiday when you don't have the kids. Don't give your kids a guilt trip, they should be able to spend time with their father/mother without feeling guilty.
3. More than one celebration is not a bad thing. Kids never complain about having two (2) Christmases so if you don't get to see your children on Christmas this year, you can celebrate with them on the day/days that you do have them.
4. Don't agree in writing to share holidays. You never know what is going to happen in the future and your new wife/husband may not understand why they have to have your ex-wife/ex-husband at their Thanksgiving table. If you decide to share a holiday that's great, but if you put it in writing, you are stuck with that indefinitely.
5. Don't make assumptions. If you are travelling for a holiday and there is no agreement as to who gets the holiday this year, make sure you speak with your children's mother/father before booking flights or hotel rooms. Never assume that the holiday is yours. You will have much better success at getting a particular holiday if you speak with the other parent first and ask them whether you can have the kids rather than just making plans without consulting the other parent.
6. Plan ahead. The sooner you can come to an agreement about the holiday schedule, the smoother the season will go. With the crowding of courts, if you wait until the last minute there will be little chance that you will be able to get to see a judge before the holiday if an agreement can't be reached.
7. Don't take the holiday schedule too seriously. If you agree not to have a holiday this year, all that means is that you get that particular holiday next year. Fighting over holidays does not make sense and ultimately will have a negative effect on your children.
8. Create new traditions with your children to make the holiday season special. Life is not going to look the same once you and your spouse decide to split, but that doesn't mean you can't create new and meaningful traditions.
9. Focus on the Positive. Divorce is difficult on everyone and can be even more difficult if you are going through one during the holiday season. Focusing on the positive can help you get through the season.
10. Be Flexible- If your ex-spouse has a holiday this year, wants to travel and stay a day later which means that will cut into your time, if you don't have other plans, be okay with this, because you never know when you are going to need the same flexibility.

Holiday Divorce Tips

There are many people out there who are going to be celebrating Christmas this year for the first time as a divorced couple. Creating ways to cope through the holidays can help make the time not only manageable, but enjoyable. This is especially true in the event that you have children. Here are a few helpful tips.

1. Make new traditions. There is no time like the present to create new traditions with your children, especially if it is not your year to have them on Christmas Day itself.

2. Surround yourself with family and friends. Now is not the time to be alone. Fill your calendar with events and don't pass up the opportunity to attend a party or two.

3. Make New Years Resolutions that you can actually stick to.

4. Don't make your children feel sorry for you if they are not spending the holiday with you. It will be hard enough on your children to be without both parents for Christmas, so its important not to project your feelings on them.

5. Don't spend money that you don't have. Retail therapy is not only a bad idea, it can provide you with a great deal of buyer's remorse in the new year in the form of high credit card bills.

6. Stay away from excessive eating and drinking.

7. Keep expectations reasonable.

8. Make time for yourself. Its easy to get caught up in what you can do for everyone else around the holidays. Taking some time for yourself can help you keep your sanity.

9. Take a break from the divorce madness. If your divorce is not yet final, take a break from litigation and animosity.

10. Remember that "this too shall pass."

Divorce and Christmas

As Christmas approaches, I'm sure there are many families out there who are dealing with their first Christmas without the traditional family Christmas. There are usually arguments and fights as to where the children are going to go and how the holiday will be split. I usually encourage my clients to put their children first and think about what they may want. I don't like to give children false illusions that their parents will be getting back together, but sometimes deciding to try to do the holiday together can be good for your children to show them that even though mom and dad are getting a divorce, they are still able to be together for the sake of their children. If that is simply not an option, remember that its important to start new traditions with your children so they can help assimilate to how life and holidays are going to look when your divorce is final. If anyone has any suggestions on how to help children with their first "divorce" Christmas, I encourage you to post those suggestions here for all other readers.